THE WRITTEN WORD
These are a few jokes and stories that I have collected. Most of these where sent to me by friends. Unfortunately I have have no idea who sent them. If you are one of the folks who sent these then please let me know so I can give you the credit.
World's Best Chain Letter!
My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body.
It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money.
Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.
I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base. Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me.
Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10. If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head.
She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?
Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.
Billy "Smiles" Evans
P.S. You can send the money to the person who sent you this because that person is very trustworthy.
You Know You're a Ham if :
buy electrical black tape in ten packs.
Future Of Amateur Radio?
You TALK into a microphone with your _______.
When you talk into a microphone, you talk into _______.
"HEADPHONES" are worn over the ___________.
What do you do with the AC line cord coming out of a power supply?
A "two meter" radio is:
A "ten-foot mast" is how long?
A "Triband antenna" is made to work on how many bands?
The "Marconi" antenna is named after:
What colors of DIODES can you buy at a Radio Shack store?
What color of SLURPEE can you buy at 7-11?
END OF EXAM.
correct and you get an EXTRA!!!!
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" wondered the artist.
"Yeah," said the engineer. "If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
(A.) Mechanical Engineers build weapons -- Civil Engineers build targets.
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was just strolling along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful well-built woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, exposing a milky-white firm body. In a soft whisper, she said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
does a person decide to become an engineer?
do engineers use for birth control?
can you tell an extroverted engineer?
did the engineers cross the road?
do you drive an engineer completely insane?
to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral
Advice - Marbles
Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it's the unbounded joy of not having to be at work.
Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.
A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the basement shack with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning, turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it.
I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net.
Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind; he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business.
He was telling whomever he was talking with something about "a thousand marbles." I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say.
"Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet.
Too bad you missed your daughter's dance recital. He continued, "Let me tell you something Tom, something that has helped me keep a good perspective on my own priorities."
And that's when he began to explain his theory of a "thousand marbles." "You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years.
Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime.
"No, stick with me, Tom, I'm getting to the important part." "It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail"; he went on, "and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy.
"So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside of a large, clear plastic container right here in the sack next to my gear. Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away." "I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focus more on the really important things in life.
There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight." "Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time."
"It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. 75 year Old Man, this is K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!"
You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter.
Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. "C'mon honey, I'm taking you and the kids to breakfast." "What brought this on?" she asked with a smile.
"Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids.
can we stop at a toy store while we're out?
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, we'll be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.......
purports to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a
US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Americans "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
Canadians "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
Americans "This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course."
Canadians No. I say again, you divert your course.
Americans "This is the Aircraft Carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship."
Canadians "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
Who knows if it is true but pretty damn funny never the less!
will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been
declared. All vehicles should be parked on the odd-numbered side of
the streets today to facilitate snowplows," the radio voice declared.
gosh, OK," said Stanley, getting up, bundling up and heading
outside to dutifully put his car on the odd-numbered side of the street.
day later, Stanley and Stella were at morning coffee when the radio
voice said "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow
emergency has been declared. You must park your vehicles on the even-numbered
side of the streets."
few days later, the couple was at the table when the radio voice declared
"There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency
has been declared. You must park your cars on the ..." Just then,
the power went out.
to heck with them, Stanley," Stella said. "Don't worry about
it today. Just leave the car in the garage."
Too Bad they did not have a Baygen!
on the toilet by homemade headphones (true story)
Laurence Baker, a 47-year-old murderer serving a life sentence, died late Wednesday or early Thursday.
Baker was watching TV with a headset, which is required to prevent the sound from disturbing other prisoners. The headphones, which violated prison rules because they were homemade, were plugged directly into the television.
State police blamed bad
wiring in the headphones.
Though not radio related, this
one reminds me of a few eccentric SWLs or Hams I have met. Could this
guy be a well known DXer?
Sometimes I think I'm
weird. But I'm not weird. And every now and then, I get a
piece of e-mail that makes me see just how
middle-of-the-first-standard-deviation I really am. Next
time you think YOU'VE gone off the deep end, re-read the
following. It should provide you with a handy insanity
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to advance the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies
between my fingers, I begin by squeezing them together
until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the
"loser," and I eat the inferior one
immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
[Lengthy comments on
mutations and color rankings have been edited.]
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
"There Can Be Only One."
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