THE WRITTEN WORD

These are a few jokes and stories that I have collected. Most of these where sent to me by friends. Unfortunately I have have no idea who sent them. If you are one of the folks who sent these then please let me know so I can give you the credit.

World's Best Chain Letter!

My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body.

It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money.

Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base. Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me.

Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10. If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head.

She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?

Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.

Thank You,

Billy "Smiles" Evans

P.S. You can send the money to the person who sent you this because that person is very trustworthy.

You Know You're a Ham if :

- you buy electrical black tape in ten packs.
- you've stripped wire with your teeth.
- you've told your son that, "One day, all this will be yours", and he doesn't respond.
- you'd rather help a buddy put up a new tower than mow the lawn.
- you've grabbed the wrong end of a soldering iron.
- you start giving out RST reports when you are on the telephone.
- the propagation forecast means far more to you than the local weather forecast.
- the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it.
- you tell the XYL, when she notices a new rig in the shack, why that has been there for years.
- your watch is set only to UTC.
- at night, when you pray, it starts off something like: CQ CQ CQ GOD DE (your callsign).
- you ever had to patch your roof after an antenna project.
- Ham radio magazines comprise more than 50% of your bathroom library.
- you ever put a GPS tracker in the XYL's car, just so you could watch her on APRS.
- you and the XYL took a cruise so you could visit the radio room.
- you ever tapped out HI in Morse on your car horn to another ham.
- you ever had an antenna fall down.
- your teenager refuses to ride in your car because it looks like a porcupine.
- you know the Latitude and Longitude of your home QTH.
- you go into the local Radio Shack store and the clerk asks you where something is.

Thanks to Ron W5WWW for this one.

The Future Of Amateur Radio?
The Following Examination is Your Test for Amateur Radio License
READ CAREFULLY
YOUR NAME (what they call you) ___________________
ADDRESS (where you live) _________________________
BIRTH DATE (when you were born) __________________

EXAM
Instructions: Make a circle (one of these round things O ) around the letter of the best answer! This is so we know what your answer to the question is!

1. You TALK into a microphone with your _______.
A. Hands
B. Feet
C. Toes
D. Mouth
E. Armpits

2. When you talk into a microphone, you talk into _______.
A. the front
B. the back
C. the top
D. the bottom
E. the wire

3. "HEADPHONES" are worn over the ___________.
A. Knees
B. Eyes
C. Toes
D. Ears
E. Lips

4. What do you do with the AC line cord coming out of a power supply?
A. Hold it in the air to pick up signals
B. Pull on it to start the motor
C. Talk into the plug to get real "skip DX"
D. Hook it to your antenna
E. Insert the plug into a source of power

5. A "two meter" radio is:
A. twice as strong as a one-meter radio
B. two one-meter radios in series
C. a CB with two meters on the front panel
D. a good doorstop
E. a monoband radio

6. A "ten-foot mast" is how long?
A. Three meters
B. Ten pounds
C. Two meters
D. Tree-top tall
E. Same length as basketball hoop is high

7. A "Triband antenna" is made to work on how many bands?
A. 1
B. 2
C. 3
D. 4
E. 10

8. The "Marconi" antenna is named after:
A. Marconi
B. Mantovani
C. macaroni
D. Dean Martin
E. yo mama

9. What colors of DIODES can you buy at a Radio Shack store?
A. Red, blue and black
B. Red, yellow and green
C. Orange and brown
D. I am colorblind so this is a discriminatory question and I
should automatically get a waiver on this question.
E. I have no intention of ever using DIODES, so don't
care what color they are.

10. What color of SLURPEE can you buy at 7-11?
A. Red, blue and black
B. Red, yellow and green
C. Orange and brown
D. I am colorblind so this is a discriminatory question and I
should get another waiver on this question. I now have two
questions right.
E. All the above

END OF EXAM.

YOUR SIGNATURE (slap yo tag here)_____________________

Scoring:

Get FOUR correct and you get an EXTRA!!!!
Get THREE right and you get an ADVANCED!!!!
Get TWO right and you get a GENERAL!!!
Get ONE right and you get a TECHNICIAN!!!
Get None right. Go back out in parking lot and study another five minutes. When you are done,come back in and retake the test.

Understanding Engineers
Understanding Engineers - Part One
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" wondered the artist.

"Yeah," said the engineer. "If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding Engineers - Part Two
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding Engineers - Part Three
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Q.) What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

(A.) Mechanical Engineers build weapons -- Civil Engineers build targets.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding Engineers - Part Four
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding Engineers - Part Five
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said to the other, "Where did you get such a great looking bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was just strolling along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful well-built woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, exposing a milky-white firm body. In a soft whisper, she said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding Engineers - Part Six
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q What is the definition of an engineer?
A Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

Q When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q What do engineers use for birth control?
A Their personalities.

Q How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q Why did the engineers cross the road?
A Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding Engineers - Part Seven
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You Might Be An Engineer If...

- choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
- you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room
- in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
- the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions
- at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
- you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
- you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
- you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
- you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
- you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
- you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
- you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
- you know what http// stands for.
- you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
- you see a good design and still have to change it.
- you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
- you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
- you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
- you window shop at Radio Shack
- your laptop computer costs more than your car.
- your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
- you've already calculated how much you make per second.
- you've tried to repair a $5 radio.

Good Advice - Marbles
NOTE: This was sent to me by Kevin, a guy I work with who does not know I am a ham. I thought it to be quite fitting since it dealt with radio. While quite a sappy story there is some truth to it. We sometimes spend too much time on the radio. The callsign apparently is made up as there is no listing on QRZ.com but never the less worth the time.

Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it's the unbounded joy of not having to be at work.

Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the basement shack with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning, turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it.

I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net.

Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind; he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business.

He was telling whomever he was talking with something about "a thousand marbles." I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say.

"Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet.

Too bad you missed your daughter's dance recital. He continued, "Let me tell you something Tom, something that has helped me keep a good perspective on my own priorities."

And that's when he began to explain his theory of a "thousand marbles." "You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years.

Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime.

"No, stick with me, Tom, I'm getting to the important part." "It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail"; he went on, "and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy.

"So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside of a large, clear plastic container right here in the sack next to my gear. Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away." "I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focus more on the really important things in life.

There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight." "Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time."

"It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. 75 year Old Man, this is K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!"

You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter.

Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. "C'mon honey, I'm taking you and the kids to breakfast." "What brought this on?" she asked with a smile.

"Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids.

Hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out?
I need to buy some marbles....

One Liners
Have you heard about the new radio station called WPMS? Each month, they play two weeks of love songs, one week of blues, and one week of ragtime.

Blond Joke
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

An Exact Recount of US National Public Radio (NPR) Interview Between a Female Broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald Who Was About To Sponsor a Boy Scout Troop Visiting His Military Installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, we'll be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.......

This purports to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations
10-10-95

Americans "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans "This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course."

Canadians No. I say again, you divert your course.

Americans "This is the Aircraft Carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship."

Canadians "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

Who knows if it is true but pretty damn funny never the less!

Snow emergency parking in Buffalo, NY
Stanley and Stella were at the kitchen table for the usual morning cup of coffee and listening to a weather report coming from the radio.

"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. All vehicles should be parked on the odd-numbered side of the streets today to facilitate snowplows," the radio voice declared.

"Oh, gosh, OK," said Stanley, getting up, bundling up and heading outside to dutifully put his car on the odd-numbered side of the street.

Two day later, Stanley and Stella were at morning coffee when the radio voice said "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your vehicles on the even-numbered side of the streets."
Stanley got up from his coffee as before. He bundled up, shuffled off, and put his car on the even-numbered side of the street.

A few days later, the couple was at the table when the radio voice declared "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the ..." Just then, the power went out.
"Park it where?" Stanley asked in the dark. "What should I do?"

"Aw, to heck with them, Stanley," Stella said. "Don't worry about it today. Just leave the car in the garage."

Too Bad they did not have a Baygen!

Inmate electrocuted on the toilet by homemade headphones (true story)
PITTSBURGH (AP) - An inmate was electrocuted when he sat on a stainless steel toilet while wearing a set of homemade headphones.

Laurence Baker, a 47-year-old murderer serving a life sentence, died late Wednesday or early Thursday.

Baker was watching TV with a headset, which is required to prevent the sound from disturbing other prisoners. The headphones, which violated prison rules because they were homemade, were plugged directly into the television.

State police blamed bad wiring in the headphones.

Though not radio related, this one reminds me of a few eccentric SWLs or Hams I have met. Could this guy be a well known DXer?
M&M Duels
Fellow Travelers,

Sometimes I think I'm weird. But I'm not weird. And every now and then, I get a piece of e-mail that makes me see just how middle-of-the-first-standard-deviation I really am. Next time you think YOU'VE gone off the deep end, re-read the following. It should provide you with a handy insanity benchmark!

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to advance the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my fingers, I begin by squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

[Lengthy comments on mutations and color rankings have been edited.]

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

"There Can Be Only One."